My Father Hates Me

Its late Sunday night and I’ve almost nodded off to sleep when my phone pings.

“Can you talk?” 

It’s Kate. A good friend of mine from uni.

I stare at the clock for a moment and then climb out of bed and head towards the family room.

“Sure” I ping back

It must be urgent because her return call is fast enough to set an unbreakable world record.

“My father hates me!” she cries

“No he doesn’t” I gently remind her.

“Yes he does. My arms are covered in bruises and he keeps telling me I’m an effing bitch like my mother”

Ouch!

Deep down, Kate knows this isn’t true, but she’s at breaking point.

And I know it’s not true as well.

Kate and her sister come from a beautiful, loving, home and I’ve witnessed firsthand how much her dad, a retired doctor, dotes and adores his two daughters and wife.

Up until eighteen months ago, they were closer than two coats of paint.

But now the family is fractured by an awful scourge.

Kate’s mother was admitted to aged care about a year ago with dementia and doesn’t recognise anyone, including her loving husband of fifty plus years.

Her father also has dementia but denies it. He also blames Kate for taking his wife away.

And every time Kate suggests medical treatment he lashes out at her. Her heart aches more than her battered arms.

The problem is, she can’t do anything.

You see, a few years back, Kate’s father got a Power of Attorney (POA) written at the same time he got their will re-written to include the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, a POA is totally useless in a situation like this.

Here’s why…

A Power of Attorney is a legal document that allows you to appoint a person(s) to manage financial and legal decisions on your behalf even if you lose the ability to make decisions for yourself.

So what’s the answer? An Enduring Guardianship.

An Enduring Guardianship (EG) is someone you appoint to make lifestyle and health decisions on your behalf when you don’t have the capacity to make them yourself.

Everyone, young or old, single or couple, should have an EG and a POA.

Good estate planning is not just about getting your affairs organised for when you go to God.

It should also include a set of instructions about what to do while you’re alive but don’t have your marbles.

In the very least, an estate plan should include the following…

• A well written will that’s so clear a twelve year old can understand it.
• A Power of Attorney and an Enduring Guardianship
• An alternative executor in case the first executor is incapacitated.

In Kate’s situation, her father should’ve appointed either Kate or her sister as the alternative executor in the event his wife no longer has the cognitive ability to make decisions.

To be blunt, their solicitor should have pointed this out in the beginning.

But unfortunately most solicitors are like GP’s, they’re not estate specialists.

Sadly, Kate’s father wouldn’t be able to make these changes now even if he wanted to because he’s already been diagnosed with dementia. Game over.

Consequently, this potentially puts Kate in a precarious position.

If she tries to make financial or health decisions on behalf of her parents that she believes are in their best interests, it could be deemed coercion or bullying.

Kate’s father witnessed the pain dementia can inflict on a family while practicing as a doctor.

And if he had any idea of how much pain his daughter was in right now, he’d be mortified.

Sadly, most of it could’ve been avoided with a well written Power of Attorney and an Enduring Guardianship.

Instead Kate lies awake most nights with her arms wrapped in ice packs.

Have a great weekend!

Adam

Back paddock: how can you make 5+5+5=550 with one line.

Answer: 545+5=550

Turn the + into a 4 with one line.